She's NOT gonna date.

So another guy has come and gone. I don't even understand how this happens to me. I thought things were mostly going well and we went out last wed night and had a fun time. And then I kinda mentioned us doing something fun Saturday together and he seemed cool with it, and then we talked a bit Friday afternoon and then Friday night I asked if he was still game for doing something Saturday...And he never responded...and Saturday morning came and went, no word from him so I texted to say hey. Still nothing, so then I was just nice and said hey don't know if you still wanted to do something tonight, but if not no big deal, I just want to figure it out so I can make other plans. Nothing from him. And I was freaking out more then I was letting it seem, maybe because this all happened to me last time, and this time I didn't want to waste my time. So a few hours later I said "well I guess that's a no hope you have a good weekend" That's it. But I was really sad and bummed. Plus I wasn't feeling good so it made it worse. Still of course heard nothing from him Sunday. My last attempted to just have a clean break I texted him last night just to ask what happened and he FINALLY responded and said.... " I left my phone at a guys house Friday night. By the time I realized where it was it was late and it seemed to me that you'd overreacted , so I overreacted by not responding. That's about it" While I am glad he responded I just felt worse. I said I was sorry, but I don't feel like I REALLY overrated. I don't know.

Maybe I am just not suppose to be dating right now, and that is what all this has come down to. It was semi fun in the beginning and I let myself think this would all be fun. But it's not fun, because I don't just want to date. I want to fall in love, I want to be loved. I want to be married. And to date just to date is not me, I don't know why I thought I could do this.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up about this all, but I do.

I let guys and dating put too much vaule on who I am. I know this. And it makes me feel dumb to say that. I know I need to figure out being happy alone before anything else. I just don't know how to do that.

I don't want to be looked at like oh the poor single girl. That's not fun. Being single is not fun.

I have thought about this all yesterday and I think I am just going to take a brake. I know it will NOT be easy for me. But if I don't do this I think I am just going to be in a really bad pattern of all this.

We are starting this 6 week journey at church and I feel like its a good time to start a NO dating strike. I feel like this next 6 weeks with out dating will let me focus on me more and figuring out ME.

I might come back and write a bit about stuff in the next 6 weeks, and it's not like I am not writing guys off, if something comes along I can still talk to a guy, but be honest and say I am not gonna date right now. This is just something I NEED for me. Did I mention this is gonna be HARD?