About love, about life, about everything nice.

The thing about this no dating thing I am going on, is I want it to be me focusing on other things in my life. To help me realize what I want, what I need and what God wants for me. 6 weeks at one end of things seems like a long time and on the other side of it, it doesn't seem long at all. What I know I need to do is keep myself busy. Make more effort to plan this with friends, and build in those relationship. The problem I had with dating was putting my life on hold a bit in hopes the guy of the week would make plans with me, and I know I should have never done that, but I did. A lot.

I have struggled a lot, since I was little in being loved. I grew up in a family with parents who I know loved each other, but to be honest fought a lot. A dad that loved us, but also saw a angry side of him, and a lot of memories I wish I didn't have. And a mother who deep down I knew she loved us, but she was very emotionally disconnected to us and didn't show that love or really ever said it.

I was always that chubby girl growing up and through high school. And during college I become determined to loose the weight and I did. And then I turned 21 and started going to bars and getting attention from guys. I never dated in high school and somewhere in college I started online dating and 4 years later I am still online dating and still single. ha so maybe that should tell me something.

There are relationships with guys or somewhat of hookups with guys I should look back and maybe I should regret, but I don't. All of those things have taught me things and to be honest I needed those. Maybe yes it wasn't always the right attention, but i needed it. There is only one I truly regret. A lot.

For awhile I just wanted to think I liked dating and enjoying the single life, because saying this(being single) is what I wanted made it easier then saying I can't find a guy who wants to date me :)

I have all these fantasies in my head of what my life would be like with that someone. I was always the little girl that played make believe and had a family, and in my head I still play make believe of having a boyfriend/husband. Its like watching TV or seeing a couple walking down the street and my mind goes into this fantasy world.

I don't want my happiness to be depended on if I have a boyfriend or husband. I REALLY don't.

But I love the idea of love.

Its my birthday, Monday. And all I was hoping for was a guy. And that seems so silly. I have never spent a birthday or Christmas or any holiday having a boyfriend. I mean to be honest, which all of this is about is, I have never had a serious boyfriend. No one I have introduced to my family. A few causal guys I have introduced once or twice to friends, but nothing major, and that makes me feel like a failure.

I don't want any of this to feel like a poor Sara pity party. I just need to write and be honest and put it out their, and maybe it will help someone else, knowing they aren't alone in their feelings. Or its just gonna help me, knowing my thoughts are out their.