I did it.

I made it. 6 weeks of NO dating. I have to say it was easier then I thought. Maybe not fun. But I did a lot of soul searching and still have a lot to do.
But I finally feel better.
I feel better about what I want from dating.
I feel better in what I want the guy to BE.
I feel better knowing who I am.

I know I am going to be pickier about the guys I date. I know being a christian guy is something I NEED. No ifs or buts.

Through the last six weeks other then going out for my birthday I didn't go out to bars and all that. But Saturday night me and my room mate went out. And it was just pure fun. Sure I flirted and had fun, but I had a better place of who I was and wasn't expecting or looking for mr. right, but just for a good time. I tried to put myself in I am not sure that's the girl I want to be, going out drinking flirting with boys, but I am single and if their is no one in the picture I am okay doing that. Its a fun time!

But I made it 6 weeks. And if a good guy comes along I will be okay going on a date. :)

Its EVERYWHERE.

As I am going through this 6 weeks of no dating, and really learning more about me, digging deep..

I have come to realize that the thing I am trying to stop myself from doing, wanting and hoping for(a guy/relationship), is REALLY hard when everywhere I seem to turn its in my face. The shows I watch, sitting at the coffee shop, watching people everywhere. I have a bit of a problem of seeing a relationship happening, whether it on tv or watching a couple, my mind goes into this million a mile fantasy world if only I had that.

Its really hard, and I hate watching some shows now, because one thing too its all lies. Things don't happen so easily for everyone. This is a problem growing up as a girl this is the things I saw, the things I dreamed about, I read books about love, and its all lies. Yes I know love and romance happen but they make it look so easy and simple. Life is complicated along with love.

I started reading a book about being single called Lady in Waiting. and its about Becoming God's Best While Waiting for Mr. Right. I am only 2 chapters in, but its really good, and a lot of what it has said I know, but it digs a bit deeper. It talked about not waiting around for Mr. right, that you need to enjoy this time because its really a short time in life. So I am really trying to focus my energy on other things, and what I can be doing in this season of my life, with my freedom. I know in time everything I hope for will happen, but I also need to hope for realistic things in this point of time. 

For along time with dating I wasn't picking guys that were right for me, always one of the first questions my mom would ask if she knew I was dating someone was, "is he a christian?" And I use to hate it! And I would get mad. Other people would ask the same, and to be honest I told myself it didn't matter if the guy really was or not. I think part of it was that I didn't think I was worthy of Godly man. I don't know I really knew my place on where I stood with God, and I didn't think it was fair to say I wanted that in a guy when I wasn't that person. Plus in my head I thought oh if I made that my #1 priority I would NEVER find Mr. Right. As I have thought a lot about this in the last week I know this isn't true. And it's something I know has to be my #1!

So this blog has shifted to something new and maybe what it was meant for. 

I would love your prayers as I go through this journey of finding myself and figuring this all out!

Thanks!

About love, about life, about everything nice.

The thing about this no dating thing I am going on, is I want it to be me focusing on other things in my life. To help me realize what I want, what I need and what God wants for me. 6 weeks at one end of things seems like a long time and on the other side of it, it doesn't seem long at all. What I know I need to do is keep myself busy. Make more effort to plan this with friends, and build in those relationship. The problem I had with dating was putting my life on hold a bit in hopes the guy of the week would make plans with me, and I know I should have never done that, but I did. A lot.

I have struggled a lot, since I was little in being loved. I grew up in a family with parents who I know loved each other, but to be honest fought a lot. A dad that loved us, but also saw a angry side of him, and a lot of memories I wish I didn't have. And a mother who deep down I knew she loved us, but she was very emotionally disconnected to us and didn't show that love or really ever said it.

I was always that chubby girl growing up and through high school. And during college I become determined to loose the weight and I did. And then I turned 21 and started going to bars and getting attention from guys. I never dated in high school and somewhere in college I started online dating and 4 years later I am still online dating and still single. ha so maybe that should tell me something.

There are relationships with guys or somewhat of hookups with guys I should look back and maybe I should regret, but I don't. All of those things have taught me things and to be honest I needed those. Maybe yes it wasn't always the right attention, but i needed it. There is only one I truly regret. A lot.

For awhile I just wanted to think I liked dating and enjoying the single life, because saying this(being single) is what I wanted made it easier then saying I can't find a guy who wants to date me :)

I have all these fantasies in my head of what my life would be like with that someone. I was always the little girl that played make believe and had a family, and in my head I still play make believe of having a boyfriend/husband. Its like watching TV or seeing a couple walking down the street and my mind goes into this fantasy world.

I don't want my happiness to be depended on if I have a boyfriend or husband. I REALLY don't.

But I love the idea of love.

Its my birthday, Monday. And all I was hoping for was a guy. And that seems so silly. I have never spent a birthday or Christmas or any holiday having a boyfriend. I mean to be honest, which all of this is about is, I have never had a serious boyfriend. No one I have introduced to my family. A few causal guys I have introduced once or twice to friends, but nothing major, and that makes me feel like a failure.

I don't want any of this to feel like a poor Sara pity party. I just need to write and be honest and put it out their, and maybe it will help someone else, knowing they aren't alone in their feelings. Or its just gonna help me, knowing my thoughts are out their.

She's NOT gonna date.

So another guy has come and gone. I don't even understand how this happens to me. I thought things were mostly going well and we went out last wed night and had a fun time. And then I kinda mentioned us doing something fun Saturday together and he seemed cool with it, and then we talked a bit Friday afternoon and then Friday night I asked if he was still game for doing something Saturday...And he never responded...and Saturday morning came and went, no word from him so I texted to say hey. Still nothing, so then I was just nice and said hey don't know if you still wanted to do something tonight, but if not no big deal, I just want to figure it out so I can make other plans. Nothing from him. And I was freaking out more then I was letting it seem, maybe because this all happened to me last time, and this time I didn't want to waste my time. So a few hours later I said "well I guess that's a no hope you have a good weekend" That's it. But I was really sad and bummed. Plus I wasn't feeling good so it made it worse. Still of course heard nothing from him Sunday. My last attempted to just have a clean break I texted him last night just to ask what happened and he FINALLY responded and said.... " I left my phone at a guys house Friday night. By the time I realized where it was it was late and it seemed to me that you'd overreacted , so I overreacted by not responding. That's about it" While I am glad he responded I just felt worse. I said I was sorry, but I don't feel like I REALLY overrated. I don't know.

Maybe I am just not suppose to be dating right now, and that is what all this has come down to. It was semi fun in the beginning and I let myself think this would all be fun. But it's not fun, because I don't just want to date. I want to fall in love, I want to be loved. I want to be married. And to date just to date is not me, I don't know why I thought I could do this.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up about this all, but I do.

I let guys and dating put too much vaule on who I am. I know this. And it makes me feel dumb to say that. I know I need to figure out being happy alone before anything else. I just don't know how to do that.

I don't want to be looked at like oh the poor single girl. That's not fun. Being single is not fun.

I have thought about this all yesterday and I think I am just going to take a brake. I know it will NOT be easy for me. But if I don't do this I think I am just going to be in a really bad pattern of all this.

We are starting this 6 week journey at church and I feel like its a good time to start a NO dating strike. I feel like this next 6 weeks with out dating will let me focus on me more and figuring out ME.

I might come back and write a bit about stuff in the next 6 weeks, and it's not like I am not writing guys off, if something comes along I can still talk to a guy, but be honest and say I am not gonna date right now. This is just something I NEED for me. Did I mention this is gonna be HARD?

Date #17

The background story-- Same ole same ole, we met online. We talked for like two days before he asked, which is sometimes just nice.


The Guy--
Age: 29
Job: In med school. (he was in the marines)
What he wore: Jeans and a polo and good preppy shoes :)

The Date--  He was very nice and asked if there was any bar or restaurant that I haven't gone to that I was wanting to check out, but since I kinda wanted to see what he would come up with said not on the top of my head. He then asked if I liked Thai, um score! yes its my favorite. So he asked about Teak if I had been there, and I said yes once, while I would have loved to go there again, he hasn't been to any Thai place here and my favorite is Green Papaya, so that's where we went. He asked what time worked best for me to PICK me up, and most of the time on first dates, when I haven't met the guy I don't let him pick me up, but I had a good feeling about him so I let him. He picked me up almost right on time (I hate when guys are late). He came to the door(points), you would be surprised how many guys text and say "I am here" dumb.  And we went to dinner, things were good, we had lots to talk about. We talked a lot about our families, my job, his med school stuff, his time in the marines. There was no short in conversation. After dinner he asked if I wanted to go grab a drink, so off the a local bar we went and had a couple of drink. It was easy and fun. The excitement of a first date is the fun of it all, but at the same time the leading up to a first date is what I hate the most! He then took me home and we said bye. BUT he texted me later and said " I had a great time with you Sara :) You are even prettier in person than I could have hoped for. And yes, you are very interesting in a good way" EEK. That boy knows how to get a girl happy. That bit about being interesting was a bit of a inside joke, because I the way back from the bar he was saying he had fun and said something like I am a interesting person. But the way he had said it, it sounded kinda bad, and I joked with him about how it sounded bad. Fun times. So I am excited, we had the date tues night and already went out again Saturday night :)

He seems much more serious about things then most guys I have dated, which is good. We have had some semi serious talks about marriage and kids and where we want to be in the next 5 years.

The hard moments.

I wrote this little bit on a draft that I was not going to share, but as one of those moments I just wanted to remember last week...

"It was "date" #4 with Jonny last night. We just hung out at his place and I stayed the night. But there was a moment last night when we were in bed and I think I can now say I really like that guy. He had been rubbing my back and he knew my week had been kinda stressful, and after rubbing my back he could tell I was really tense and kept asking what was wrong and I said nothing, and he knew that wasn't true. And then he held me and kinda pushed the issue, in a good way, of me telling him, but I was feeling a bit emotional and felt like if I talked I would cry and no one wants that. And he even said its okay to cry, just that feeling that I felt like he knew me. And he said "you are laying in my bed with me, if you can't talk then what is the point og this" And he was right. And I talked about a bit and teared up a bit, and he was the comfort and the laughter I needed. It was a good moment."

There was a moment I was happy and excited to see where things would end up. I WAS HAPPY!
And then these quickly changed. I don't like talking about this part of dating. Because I feel like I failed. I don't even know what changed. He just stopped talking to me. No explanation. Just no response. And to say that's frustrating is a understatement.  So this part of dating is what I hate and I think whats the point in this. So its been a rough week, to say the least. Just another part of the story I thought I would share.

Date #16 and a bit more.

So this date was interesting in a way of the story that leads up to it. So this guy we had acutally been talking to for what seemed like a while and I really had no idea if he was ever going to ask me out!

But there are always certain guys I am always more excited to go out with, where some I like but not totally sure about, maybe like last guy. #15. So after I had gone out with #15, #16 asked if I wanted to grab drinks or coffee this weekend. Well I had already made plans to go on a another date with #15, but to be honest I still wasn't really sure what I thought about him. So I made plans with him for Sunday night. Well THEN I had like a really GREAT time with #15 Saturday and didn't know how this was all going to work. But I kept my date with #16 and we had drinks. And it was fun. He was VERY my type. Tall. Preppy. And he was wearing TOMS. My type. lol

And so then I was VERY confused as what to do. Luckily my week was SUPER busy so there wasn't going to be a chance to go out with #16 again and then I was going away for the weekend. Which he knew about. So I thought things maybe will just work themselves out. And I saw #15 again for a quick movie night Monday night and still really liked him.

Well me and #16 talked here and there for a week and then I got a super nice text from him saying he had been causally dating someone and they just decided to make it exclusive. He was very nice about it and I wasn't bummed out, so I think it was good and all worked out.

And I am still going on dates with #15 and I have to say I really like him, I am always nervous about how much to share in the start of dating, because I am nervous it won't last and then its that blah time where you have to say nope no more. But things are going slow and good and we will see. I am still up in the air on if I am going to keep going on dates. While I like #15 I feel like its okay to go on first dates with other guys because we aren't in any way serious....

So that's whats happening right now!